I've never understood that line. "It's not personal" when talking about your actions, usually when you know that what you've done is going to or has hurt someone. If you know what you are doing is going to cause harm, than regardless of what you felt about it, it's personal to someone. Telling someone "it's not personal" is simply a way of trying to deny your own responsibility for your actions by belittling the hurt you caused them. It's not even an apology. You aren't telling them that you are sorry you are hurt them, what you are really saying is that you didn't give enough of a damn about them to care that what you did hurt them. You knew it would but doing it was going to get you what you wanted so it wasn't going to affect you personally, so "it's not personal". They just happened to be in your way.
Why do I bring this up today? Good question. I was contacted today by our ex-foster son Jason. He sent me a message on MySpace to tell me that what he did wasn't personal, he was just doing what he felt he had to do to get back with his family. That he never intended to lose friends because of his actions and that he hoped we could still talk. Well, first off, I'm not sure what he thought was going to happen when he treated us like that. That we would be happy after a couple of months to act like everything was okay? Jonathan and Christopher are still dealing with the aftereffects of the crap Jason did. I know he didn't feel it was personal but the reality is, it was. It affected all of us personally. Why he would want to talk to me now is not something I understand. I did craft a reply to him basically telling him what I've said here (tho in brief) and that while I wished him well I didn't want any further communication with him. The thing of it is, while he says in his message that he wants to be able to talk to me, he chose to message me through MySpace where he doesn't receive messages from people he hasn't friended. Yeah, I can tell he really wants to talk to me. I didn't feel all warm and fuzzy when I saw it and that basically confirms my suspicion that someone put pressure on him to do it and it wasn't his idea.
I've spent most of the day upset by the message and trying to figure out how to deal with it only to find out, it was for nothing because I can't reply to him. Yes, I do have his actual email address but I figure he choose the medium where I can't respond either because he didnt' think it through or because he was forced to write the message but doesn't actually want a response. I'm going to go with he doesn't actually want a response and try to get back to the state of numb I was at concerning this. I hope that's the last I hear from any of them. At this point, they've eaten up enough of my life and I don't want them to get any more. The problem is, the scab is still very soft and it doesn't take much to open the wound again and I think it will be a long time before it scars over and doesn't tear me apart.
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